The Snape Chronicles
by EvilFanGirlsINC
Summary: What makes Snape the way he is? Good question. To get the answer, you must go back- WAY back- to the days of Snape's youth...
1. Part 1

**The Snape Chronicles**

By Cristin and Amy 

_-a WFGA production-_

(OPEN: wide pan of a train station. Hundreds of children huddle around the bright red Hogwarts Express, biding their parents tearful farewells. Trunks and animal baskets/cages are being loaded onto the train.) 

(Cut to: Severus Snape is a young child -about 10- standing on Platform 9 3/4. He's smiling with excitement, his parents stand beside him beaming with pride) 

Mr. Snape: Go on, son, you don't want to miss the train. 

Mini-Snape: I love you, daddy! I love you, mummy! 

(his parents hug him and send him on his way.) 

Mrs. Snape: (sniffles) PROUD. 

Mr. Snape: PROUD. 

(Onboard Hogwarts Express, Snape situates himself in a small, empty compartment. He looks around himself, eyes wide with wonder) 

Snape: Oh, joyous day! I'll have so much fun at my new school, I'll have so many new friends, I'll have a nice, normal, boring, calm life- 

(a faint 'click' is hear, and a boy with shoulder length blonde hair enter the compartment. He looks around imperiously, pale green eyes landing on the cute little Snape in his hand-knitted sweater with the little yellow duckies on the front. The blonde boy smiles maliciously) 

Snape: (smiles all cute-like and waves) Hello, friend. What's your name? I'm Severus, but you can call me Sevvie if you like. 

Boy: I'm Lucius. Lucius Malfoy. And I think I'll call you 'Piglet'. 

Snape: What-? 

Lucius: Because after this ravaging, you'll squeal like a little piggy. 

(Snape's eyes go wide in terror. Viscous man-rape follows...) 

(About three hours later, the train stops at Hogwarts. All the students file off of the train, Snape lagging behind the mass of students- he's pale, shaking, and absolutely petrified. Four other boys walk past him, staring) 

Young James: Let's mock him for our entire school life. 

Young Sirius: Okay. 

(as all the first years are getting into the boats to cross the lake, Sirius pushes Snape into the water. Savage Squid/Snape rape follows) 

Hagrid: Bad! BAD! (whacks at the squid with a club) 

(James, Sirius, Remus and Peter laugh and point at the scene. Lucius, in another boat, remembers their time on the train and smiles to himself) 

(thirty some-odd minutes later, the first years are shuffled into the dining hall) 

Dumbledore: (standing at the front of the hall, at the staff table) Welcome, children, to another year at Hogwarts! As you know, this is a school with strong morals, ethics, and traditions. Keeping with these traditions, I will now choose- RANDOMLY- the student who will tend to my every need for the remainder of their life at this school. 

Peter: Ooh! I hope it's me! 

Dumblefore: Said student will bathe me, feed me, change my nappies, and check my blood pressure daily. I am old and sassy. 

Sirius: Ooh! I hope it's Peter! 

(all the first years look hopeful as the other students glare at them) 

Dumbledore: Severus Snape, I choose you! 

(Snape shits himself. And ever since then, Snape would shit himself when Dumbledore said his name) 

Dumbledore: Lovely. We'll get along just fine. Now, let's sort you. Bring out the hat. 

McGonagal: (screeches:) BRING OUT ZE HAT! 

(Snape sits on a stool at the head of the hall with a small 'squish'. The Sorting Hat lowers from the ceiling on a string, and situates itself on Snape's head) 

The Sorting Hat: (sings) So, you're the Master's servant 

You like to shit your pants- 

Snape: I never said I liked it. 

Sorting Hat: -Well, that's just fine 

Dumbledore won't mind 

He likes excitement 

He loves the fun 

Of picking on a little 'un 

Now, into what house will you go? 

You're not for Gryffindor, 

You lack the nerve and chivalry. 

You're neither daring or brave of heart, 

What about Hufflepuff? 

You may be just and loyal 

but your not patient, true, or unafraid. 

You're not for Ravenclaw, 

with no ready mind or wit. 

Although you shall learn something... 

Slytherin seems the best, 

for there you'll find a friend- 

Snape: I don't want a friend. Friends are bad. Friends touch your Danger Zone. 

Sorting Hat: -You can be cunning 

if it was brought out. 

Yes, that's it! 

Let's scream and shout! 

(everyone stays silent. Snape silently weeps.) 

Dumbledore: ...okay! The hat will not sing_ all_ of your shortcomings and secrets aloud, by the way. 

(there's a collective groan) 

Sirius: Great. Now nobody will ever know that I want to have mad butt-sex with Remus. 

Remus: ...what? 

Sirius: Nothing. I said NOTHING! 

(the hat sinks its fangs into Snape's scalp. He goes rigid and collapses) 

Dumbledore: Merlin's Bears, the hat put another student in a coma... great, _now_ who's going to change me?! 

Lucius: (raises a hand) I'll take him to the hospital wing, Headmaster. 

Dumbledore: Excellent. But steal his ducky sweater and give it to me before you go. 

(Lucius does so and drags Snape away) 

(In the hospital wing...) 

Madame Pomfrey: All he needs is this. (holds up a bottle of... stuff) Then he'll be good as new. 

Lucius: I'll take care of him, Madame Pomfrey. 

Pomfrey: (smiles) Such a good little boy. Are you two friends? 

Lucius: Yes, ma'am. We met on the train, and were best friends instantly. (snaps his fingers) Just like that. 

(Snape smiles in his sleep and shits his pants) 

**Next time...** Snape's secret lover? The Malfoy's OTHER son? GASP!


	2. Part 2

**The Snape Chronicles**

-part 2- 

By Cristin and Amy 

_--A WFGA Production--_

(at the end of term... all of the students have packed up their things, eager to get home for summer holiday. Snape and Lucius clamber onto the train together. Snape is wearing only black. His hair is limp and greasy. His skin is deathly pale. His nose has grown very large and beak-like. In short, he's a disgusting mess, no longer a cute, innocent, duck-loving child) 

Lucius: (pointing to an empty compartment) Let's sit here. 

Snape: I could kill you. I could drink your blood. I could- 

Lucius: Shut up, Piglet. 

Snape: Yes, master. (they enter the compartment, and start to put their luggage into the overhead racks) 

(suddenly, Snape grows pig ears and a curly piggy tail. James, Sirius, Remus and Peter stand at the doorway of the compartment, giggling) 

Lucius: (gives Snape a look-over) Those suit you, mate. (he turns on James and pushes him into the hallway) Only I can mess with Piglet, Potter. 

(Snape tries to speak, but only oinks) 

James: Isn't that grand, Malfoy? Now you and Snape speak the same language. 

(The four Marauders laugh. Snape turns red and shits his pants. Snot sprays out of his nose, covering everyone in a thin layer of mucus. The Marauders groan and dispatch, muttering about the 'Horrendous Pig-Boy') 

Lucius: Stay here, Piglet, I'm going to seek revenge. (leaves) 

(Snape nods and seats himself on a red cushioned bench. He takes a small rubber ducky from his pocket and squeaks it. A single tear runs down his cheek) 

Snape: Oink. 

(a few hours later, they arrive at Platform 9 3/4. Snape's parents hug him as he steps off the train) 

Mrs Snape: Sevi-poo! You're all sticky and greasy. (lifts up a few strands of his greasy hair) 

Mr. Snape: And a pig. 

(Snape's lower lip trembles and something within snaps) 

Mr. Snape: Here, son, let me help you. (points his wand at Snape- he goes back to normal) Now what- 

Snape: So I'm a pig, am I?! (bitch-slaps his father) FAT, am I?! 

Mr. Snape: But- 

(Severus slaps his mother) 

Mr. Snape: Now see here, fatty! 

(Severus tackles his father to the ground, shit sliding down his legs. Mrs. Snape eventually joins in) (Students crowd around them) 

(An hour or so later, the Snape family is back at home sitting on their overstuffed sofa. Mrs. Snape has a raw steak slapped across her black eye, and Mr. Snape is in a sling) 

Mr. Snape: Son, I think it would be best for you to go away to camp this summer. 

Snape: WHAT? 

Mrs. Snape: Yes, dear; we're sending you to Happy Paddington's Joyful Camp of Weight Loss for boys. 

Snape: Woman, I am NOT fat! 

Mr. Snape: Silence, you cow! 

Snape: I'll kill you. I'll kill you both. With a... rock, or something. Or a stone. Kill you dead! Drink your blood! Skin you alive and use your kidneys to make an invisibility potion. NYER! 

Mr. Snape: (glares at his son) If I didn't know Dumbledore as well as I do, I'd blame him. 

Mrs. Snape: Tell him how close you two are, dear. 

Mr. Snape: (swells with pride) When I was your age, I was Dumbledore's slave. Now, when we had you, we knew that duty would pass on to you at the beginning of your first year. You should be _proud_. All members of the Snape clan have this duty to the Headmaster of Hogwarts. 

Snape: (shits his pants) HE said it was random! (jumps to his feet and runs off, leaving a trail of shit behind him) 

Mrs. Snape: ...What's happened to our little boy? Pooty, come in here and clean this mess. 

(a house-elf enters the room with a bucket and some towels) 

Pooty: Yes, mistress. 

Mrs. Snape: Isn't it ironic that your name is Pooty, and you are now cleaning poo? (chuckles) 

Pooty: ...no, mistress. 

Mr. Snape: That boy. (growls) I'm going to go beat some respect into him. 

Mrs. Snape: Orville, no! He's just a little upset! 

(Orville, also known as Mr. Snape, ignores her and stomps to Snape's room. The door is heard opening, then slams. Screaming soon follows, and can be heard for a few minutes as incest-ass rape occurs) 

(A week later, at Fat Camp...) 

(Kids are lined up in front of beds while a man in an Army uniform paces in front of them. Snape trips him as he passes, sending the Army guy sliding down a current of shit. He slams into a wall, knocking himself unconscious) 

Snape: Okay! (stands atop his bed) Listen up, you maggots! I am NOT fat. Okay? I don't belong here. But the rest of you fat bastards- 

Kid #1: Actually, you're a little too chubby for your age. Look at your thighs. 

(Snape looks down at himself- then screams. His thighs are the size of basketballs, which is weird, as he's barely 5 feet tall, and only 10 years old) (Snape shits his pants, making the other kids laugh at him) 

Kid #2: Oh my god! Look at it run! 

(A kid stands protectively in front of Snape) 

Kid #1: Move it Tom Riddle. 

Tom: Leave him alone, or he'll aim his shit at you losers. 

Kid #2: Fine! But you know what? 

Tom: What? 

Kid #2: You're ugly and your mom dresses you funny. 

Tom: At least I don't have to eat three dozen Twinkees at night. You eat because you're sad, and you're sad because your daddy fingers your Danger Zone. 

(Kid #2 bursts into tears. Snape smiles thankfully at Tom) 

Tom: Hi, I'm Tom. (shakes Snape's hand) 

Snape: I'm Piglet- I mean- 

Tom: (laughs) You're funny! 

Snape: (eyes go wide and glossy) W-will you be my... friend? 

Tom: Sure! Why don't you bunk next to me? I want to know ALL about you. Here, want a duck shaped pillow? (Snape beams) 

(They crawl into their beds and talk all night long. Snape tells Tom everything- about Lucius, his father, his love of ducks. They become fast friends.) 

(at about 3am...) 

Tom: Tell me, Severus, do you still hear them? 

Snape: Hear who? 

Tom: The pigs. Do you still hear them squealing? 

(Snape nods, looking haunted) 

Tom: Well. Good. Say, Severus... 

Snape: Yes? 

Tom: Would you consider joining my little club? We're called the Death Eaters. 

**Next Time...** Will Snape accept Volde- er, Tom's offer? Who is Snape's lover? YOU NEED TO KNOW, DON'T YOU? 

**Oh Boy! Reviews! And notes from the authors... **

****

**1) **Our rating has been upped to keep people from whining. 

**2) **This website is a pain in the ass. 

**Kelenariel Khelekkir:** Kudos to you for catching that Austin Powers reference. Cristin's uncle wrestled with the guy who plays Mini-Me in New Orleans. We have pictures, too. 

**Leowyn Evangolen:** There will be about eight chapters of this story, if not more. 

**UnderneathTheBridge: **Aww. You came all the way from Gaia to give a review. You probably can't tell from the posts I make, but I SO enjoy torturing Snape. I love him, but he's just so easy. 

Thanks for the reviews! Much love. 


	3. Part 3

**The Snape Chronicles **

****-part 3- 

By Cristin and Amy 

_-=A WFGA Production=-_

Snape: Sure! I've never been in a club. What do you do? 

Tom: Ooh, you know, fun stuff: bake sales, league bowling, liquidate the entire non-wizarding population of the earth. (cough) The usual. 

Snape: (oblivious) O-okay! 

Tom: (demonically:) Excellent... Mwahaha... MWAHAHAHAHAAAAA! 

Snape: Hee hee! 

Tom: SHUT UP. Do not laugh with me. I am the grand Poobah... (levitates, glowing slightly) LORD VOLDEMORT! 

Snape: (squeals) I love code names! 

Tom: It's not a code name, it's the name that will strike fear into the hearts of all who hear it. DUH. 

Snape: ...so... does that mean I can't call you Tom? 

Tom: NO. I am LORD VOLDEMORT. 

Snape: Okay... can I call you Voldie? Or Mortie? Or Demorie... or Lordie? 

Tom: NO! 

Snape: How about Wart? 

(Tom beats Snape with an aluminum bat. The mistress of the cabin, who happens to be a man in drag, joins in on the beating as well with her own bat) 

Mistress: How (whack) many times (whack) do I have to (whack) tell you (whack) To go to BED?! (whack whack, whack) 

(Snape shits his pants) 

(4 weeks later...) 

Tom: Bye, Severus! See you next summer! 

(Snape smiles and gets on the Fat Camp train) 

Snape: ...see you next summer.. I AM NOT FAT! (looks at his new tattoo on his right arm- it's a skull with a snake wrapped around it) Good. Mom and Dad won't like it. 

(Years pass, and Voldemort- as promised- has begun his war. We now see and 18 year old Snape and Lucius sitting in and old house surrounded by other Death Eaters) 

Lucius: (pointing at people) I'd rape him... and him... ew, not him... maybe her- 

Snape: Have you ever wondered why we're called Death Eaters? 

Lucius: Not really. It's a sweet name, though. 

Snape: Yeah, it makes even a man with long blonde hair and a bow look intimidating... 

Lucius: ... shut up, Piglet. 

Snape: (sighs heavily and looks around the room. His eyes land on a strange looking woman with eyes that seem to be sunken into her skull) Who's that woman sitting in the corner killing puppies? 

Lucius: (peers over his sunglasses. Which he wears at night. So he can, so he can... do something) Oh, that's Bellatrix Black. I might rape her, too. 

Snape: (eyes go glossy) She's _wonderful._

Lucius: She's Sirius Black's cousin, you know. 

Snape: All the better. If I dated her, Sirius would be furious. Besides; isn't everyone Sirius' cousin? His family is SO inbred. You're his cousin, too, aren't you? 

Lucius: ... shut up, Piglet. 

Snape: (ignoring him) It's funny that out of his whole family, Sirius Black is the oddball. One would look at him, then you, and assume you to take that role instead. 

Lucius: SHUT UP! 

(Snape squeals as everyone looks at them and laugh) 

Lucius: What are you idiots looking at, huh? Did I give you permission to? 

Bellatrix: I have the right to look at you however I please! Besides, you're not in charge, are you? (rises from her seat and approaches Snape) You intrigue me. 

Snape: And you make my heart sing. 

Bellatrix: (laughs) Aren't you charming. Why don't you- er- step out with me, leave sulking Lucius here. 

Snape: (beaming) I'd be happy to. 

Lucius: He'll do nothing of the sorts! 

Bellatrix: You won't let him make ALL your choices, will you? 

Snape: I- 

Bellatrix: If you won't be a man- 

Snape: NO! I mean... follow me. (pulls her out of the room) 

Lucius: (points after them) RAPE!! 

(all the Death Eaters rise and run after the two) 

Bellatrix: Isn't this exciting? 

Snape: ...why are they following us? 

(by now, Bellatrix and Snape have made is outside. All 27 Death Eaters are "hiding" behind a single skinny tree, watching them) 

Bellatrix: What do you mean? (Snape points at the mass of people) I don't see anything. 

Snape: Are you blind? 

Bellatrix: (folds arms across her chest) Fine! I knew you were just a squealing pig. 

Snape: Wait! 

Bellatrix: (screaming:) Snape will never be a man! He's a girl, and Lucius' bitch. 

Lucius: (from behind the same tree) Damn straight!! 

Snape: I'll show you. (grabs Bellatrix and kisses her) 

Lucius: (shrieks with rage) Those are MY piggy-kisses!! 

Bellatrix: (grinning) Sorry, Lucius, but he's MINE now. 

(Bellatrix pulls Snape into a strategically placed cabin and locks the door. Lucius bangs on the door) 

Lucius: He's MINE! MINE!!! 

(3 minutes later...) 

Bellatrix: (bursts through the door of the cabin) I'm pregnant! 

Snape: (from inside) Hooray! 

Lucius: YOU WHORES! 

Bellatrix: We like it that way, don't we, hon? 

(Snape steps into the doorway, buttoning up his pants, beaming and nodding) 

Lucius: Fine! I'm going to get a woman pregnant and have a better child than you! 

(Several months later...) 

(Snape paces outside a hospital room at St. Mungo's) 

Snape: ... Let's see, I have to think up a very unique- it not strange- name... 

Doctor: (steps into the room with a baby in his arms) It's a boy! Mr. Snape, congratulations! 

Snape: (takes the baby in his arms) I will call you Trent. Trent Reznor Snape. You have a last name for a middle name, just in case you get kidnapped in your infancy. Or something. Yeah. (thrusts the infant into the air- 'Circle of Life' starts playing from somewhere) 

(Meanwhile in the present day... Snape confronts Trent backstage at his concert and tells him the truth about his birth) 

Trent: WHAT?!! 

Snape: (eyes glassy) I've finally found you, my son. After all these years of searching. 

Lupin: (appears, looking confused) (besides, Lupin is a really big Nine Inch Nails fan. Why wouldn't he be there with backstage passes?!) You've been searching for him? When? 

Snape: What else do you think I do on summer holiday? 

Trent: Hold on. I thought I was American. He's British!... or something. 

Lupin: I should have killed you when I had the chance. 

Trent: ...what's that supposed to mean? 

Snape: Our friend Lupin here supposedly killed you, son. Apparently he didn't quite succeed. 

Trent: Stop calling me that! I _have_ a dad, and you're not him. 

Lupin: I would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids. 

Snape: FLASHBACK!! 

(everyone screams) 

**Next Time... **I'd ruin the cliffhanger if I told you. You don't want that, do you? I didn't think so.


	4. Part 4

**The Snape Chronicles **

-part 3- 

By Cristin and Amy 

_-=A WFGA Production=-_

(Many, many years ago...) 

(We find Remus Lupin crawling through a old house's window, desperately trying to keep his balance. He knocks over a statue inside the house in the process) 

Lupin: (turning to the statue) SHH! Sorry. 

Statue: S'alright. 

Snape: What are you doing? 

(Lupin spins around- Bellatrix and Snape are sitting in chairs in front of the parlor window. It's a bright, sunshiny day outside. Lupin goes rigid and strikes a pose) 

Bellatrix: Is he pretending to be a statue? 

(silence...) 

Lupin: ...yes. 

Snape: (oblivious) I love Charades. 

(hours pass. the full-moon rises. Soon, the Snape's -because Bella and Severus DID get married, you know- have a werewolf raging around their house. Snape and Bellatrix have locked themselves in the kitchen pantry) 

Snape: We left the baby in the nursery. 

Bellatrix: Oh... crap. 

(neither of them move) 

Bellatrix: Well _I'm_ not going out there. 

Snape: Fine. I'll do it. (gulps and pulls out his wand) 

(He steps out of the pantry and runs to the nursery. The door is knocked off it's hinges, scratch marks are on the walls, and the cradle is overturned. Snape runs to the cradle) 

Snape: Trent? (searches through the blankets) Trent? 

(the werewolf growls behind him. Snape turns and stares: Trent's head is in the werewolf's mouth, and he's clapping his hands. Snape shits his pants.) 

(The werewolf somehow raises it's eyebrows and trots out the front door, carrying the baby away in it's mouth. Snape sighs and makes his way downstairs to the kitchen) 

Snape: Bella, the baby's dead. 

Bellatrix: Well, shit! Now we can't put him on our tax returns. DAMN! (steps out of the pantry, mildly disgruntled) Do we even have taxes? 

Snape: We could always have another. (suggestive eyebrow wiggle) 

Bellatrix: Get the hell away from me. 

(someone comes running into the house. Snape growls, then pales as Lucius enters the kitchen with a baby) 

Lucius: Hey, Piglet! Look at what Narcissa and I made! His name's Donald. (waves the baby in front of Snape, laughing) Mine's better than yours! 

Bellatrix: Ooh, let me see. 

(Lucius hands her the baby) 

Bellatrix: Aren't you sweet. (she promptly- and purposely- drops the infant) Oops. 

Lucius: DONALD! NOOO! 

Snape: (chuckles) I love you, Bella. 

Bellatrix: I want a divorce. 

(Lucius points and laughs at Snape's shocked expression) 

Lucius: This makes the loss of Donald all right. (turns to Bellatrix) You want to have an affair with me? 

Bellatrix: (shrugs) Sure. (she pulls him into the master bedroom and locks the door) 

(Snape's eyes fill with tears and he nudges Donald with his foot. Donald wiggles and makes odd snarling noises. Snape picks up the baby, puts him on the table, grabs his cloak, and leaves the house) 

(meanwhile, in California...) 

(Lupin, still a werewolf, is now walking on his hind legs dressed in a business suit. Trent is wrapped in a blanket, happily cooing. The werewolf walks up to a random house and knocks on the door. A man answers) 

Lupin: Hello! I'm with Children's Services. Is this the Reznor residence? 

Mr. Reznor: Yes... my, what large teeth you have. 

Lupin: Yeah, I get that all the time. Anyway... here's your free baby! (shoves Trent into the man's arms) His name is Trent. BYE! (scampers away on all fours) 

Mr. Reznor: ...another one? Consuella will be happy. 

Mrs. Reznor: (in the doorway) How many times must I tell you? It's Princess Consuella Bananahammok to you! 

Mr. Reznor: (enters the house and shuts the door) But now you're a commoner. The title no longer applies to you, and you share my last name. By the way, they gave us another one. (holds up Trent) His name's Trent. 

Mrs. Reznor: Hooray. 

(She takes Trent into the kitchen. Eleven children are sitting around the table) 

Mrs. Reznor: Now, Trent, these are your new brothers and sisters. Most of them still have their original last names, but you will have ours since you seem to have lost yours. This is George Bush, Johnny Depp, Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinski, Marshall Mathers, Britney Spears, Michael Jackson, Jennifer Lopez, Stevie Nicks, and Arnold Schwartzennegger. 

(all the "kids" wave) 

(somewhere deep inside little baby Trent's brain, is it decided that he will never be normal. Or completely sane for that matter) 

**Author's Notes: **Much love to the people who keep coming back and reviewing. Your comments give us the initiative to update! You see, we have about ten more pages (typed) of this, but we're just too lazy to update here on Sad, isn't it? Stay tuned, more updates coming! 


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